I Have Loved You Like A Fool

I sit there apologizing to my writing group, the critic inside of me trying to shush what I’ve just read. “I’m sorry, I was really nasty with that,” I say, the ladies all staring at me as I have just eviscerated a newly broken relationship and the person in it. Burnt up in gasoline and flames, the car with the new her in the passenger seat going off in the sunset, him driving with flames chasing after him.

As a writer, the best way to deal with emotions, anger, a relationship that didn’t work, is to curse and write heated things that will tear up or destroy the feelings. For me, I broke the relationship, took a step back, said wait. I thought the two of us would dance around each other at work, and maybe step into something that was good because I still adored the guy. Then he had to go and mess it all up with spending a weekend with another gal I know, one week after I stepped back and we were still flirting like mad. One Week.

Needless to say, I was angry. So, so angry. Sure, I stepped back, but wow. Hurt doesn’t even begin to describe how I felt, partly because I’m looking at the idiot going, you want her? Really? (I have actually had a couple other people go, oh god, when I tell them who he’s with)

I just watched Begin Again, a marvelous film with Kiera Knightley, Mark Ruffalo, and Adam Levine, and in it you have two song writers, one becoming famous (Levine), the other (Knightley) puttering around with it and in love with the famous one.  So you have a broken relationship and anger and such and girl songwriter writes this utterly cutting song to guy idiot. It is such an amazing part of the film, partly because it hit me this week as I was dealing with the issues above. And I realized that one of the ways writers deal is to cut down the person we are angry with in our work.

“I have loved you like a fool” is an amazing line. Needless to say, I have some very nice poems that my ladies have sat back going, “It oozes anger. We can just hear your anger.” They also told me to stop apologizing for being a bit nasty. To hogtie and gag the critic in my head.

Granted, writer’s liberties and all, I can exaggerate more than I actually feel. I sometimes want what I write to be more dramatic than it probably is. Am I wounded by the idiot? Nope. In fact, I’m doing really good as I have progressed in my work with him being gone from my life and work.  I have had a chance to find myself a bit more. I’ve even found myself more inspired with cooking and life. It has been really amazing. Everyone has told me I can do so much better and I deserve so much better, so that has been crucial. Especially with two amazing people at work, and two really important ladies in the writing group. These people are my close confidants.

‘If a writer loves you, you can never die.’ These words are classic to the memes world for writers. Seriously, you won’t die if a writer loves you because they will have you at some point in all of their work, or you will inspire them, or something. But…. if you anger a writer, well, darling, prepare to die. Or be killed off in some gruesome manner. Or tortured.

Coffeeman has this thing he does at work where he slams his fist into a wall or a counter. There is always some force in it, not enough to leave a mark, but you can see he’s irritated. I always picture a knife in the fist when he does it, partly because that’s how I feel about a lot of things. I do this motion with my hand, sometimes with a pocket knife in it, and out to the right and side, I stab air. It is this motion of stabbing, or would like to stab that is the feeling. No, I don’t want to murder anyone, but… as Robert Bly says

Our veins are open to shadow,
and our fingertips Porous to murder….   Robert Bly

Because I work with knives, it’s so much easier to write about it and use the motion when I’m frustrated.

description

Now there is a flipside to this whole story. The first part is me getting my digs in. But downside to a writer dating a writer… the other writer has the same opportunity to put in his own digs. One week after idiot guy spends weekend with another, he comes to my writing group as he has been doing for a couple weeks to write. He’s a poet as well. Yeah, that was a hard because one, I was too close to the subject, too angry and couldn’t read out what I had written, angry as it was, and  he wrote something that pierced me. It was a dig of his own.

So rule of thumb, which I’ve had is, don’t date a writer. Two, if you are with a writer, prepare for you being written about, at some point. Good or bad.

I’m still angry, writing about lack of constancy and holes being dug with words, creating nasty hurts. Dua Lipa’s IDGAF song is marvelous right now to how I feel. Along with the song above from Begin Again. I highly recommend the film if you can handle the language. It is incredible, and ends marvelously. And the music is great.

But as the song goes… “I have loved you like a fool….”

 

Kate

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PAD Day 28 – Important – Important Documents, Dreams, and Words

The prompt for day 28 (sob, how can it be almost done!!!???) of PAD was Important (blank).  I liked Robert’s one prompt idea of Important Documents, so I went with that. I actually had ideas floating around in my head all day, but just didn’t want to sit down to write. I had hoped to keep the poetry flowing in a steady day to day thing, but I wanted to do other things tonight. Or last night since it’s technically morning right now.   I think I was channeling Boris. He’s been in my mind since I finally got a letter from him a week ago. So, old feelings have resurfaced, much to my chagrin, though the muse has been at work.

You know how the Greeks had their nine women muses?  Well for women, I think we need men as our muse. Or at least I find men inspiring. Maybe not.  Maybe it’s just Psyche’s Call that I’m listening to.  For those that are wondering about that phrase, I just am giving promotion to one of the women in our writing group who sends out a writing prompt ever day. They are not your normal ‘word’ prompts, but more of a thought process digging deeper into one’s psyche.  I urge you to sign up and check them out. They are thought provoking and while they haven’t ever really made me start a story, they do make me reevaluate what I am writing, or make me look at what I’m writing a bit differently.

A current prompt from Psyche's Call

A current prompt from Psyche’s Call

Important Documents

I hold out these important documents
tied up in manila and twine and brass rivets
and cogs and wheels and locks and keys.
They hold things so dear to me, but I’m handing
them to you, trusting you to not tear me apart.
I hold documents so dear to me, out to you,
you who has been a part of me over the years.
I wrote them to you, for you, about you,
then tucked them away safely for years,
afraid of showing myself to you.
But you have been ever bit as safe
as the warm blanket that holds me at night
never judging me for the words I wrote
for you, about you, to you.
Thousands of words, written too big to say out loud.
I can only whisper them, or write them down.
My heart too afraid to utter a syllable of sound.
I know you won’t shatter me, but I still hand them
to you and ask you to read what I say
inside my very soul each time I say your name.

Important Dreams

These dreams are what build universes
and stories
and chapters
and titles
These dreams are what make my world explode
in color
in song
in dance
These dreams are what turn out words
in rhyme
in poems
in laughter
These dreams are what make me create
a world
a hero
a love story
These dreams are what are so important to my life
in hopes
in longings
in promises

 

Important Words

I wrote out a poem for you, or two, or three, or millions more.
I have them in scraps of colored paper and index cards.
I wrote them on pictures, on postcards, and notes.
I have important words for you to hear though I can’t say them.
They are too big to say out loud, to small to write them down.
They are what make you a dream, and me the goddess writing them.
They are what make you the mystic and I am the mystery unfolding.
They are what make you the sorcerer and I am your slave.
The magical words bind me to you in simple ways.
The words tie me up in hopeless thoughts too confounding.
The words cling to my skin like sand on the beach.
The magical words are my shackles and my freedom.
Come read them and take them with you.
Take them from me so I forget what I said.
Let me throw them to the wind like petals on the prairie.
Only you could ever know what they mean to you and me.

 

Clearly there is a theme, of sharing words with someone, but also being afraid to, but then knowing that person would not hurt you. It’s a weird feeling. Maybe it’s a feeling that’s too big to express. Maybe I have been writing poetry for too long and too many this month. Maybe it’s a good thing that the month is almost over of a poem or more a day. Because clearly I have been writing more than one poem a day.

Kate

One Word Prompts: Secret – Writing 101

5186_16e7I have secrets. I live with secrets. I’m filled with secrets. I love to keep secrets. I hate to keep secrets. Secrets are part of being a woman still living at home. Secrets are what make a writer considering we don’t have time, nor the inclination to discuss all of what is going on in our heads.

I exist sometimes on secrets. Things I have done that no one knows. Secrets I have shared with one person. Secrets of my own thoughts. I can’t share everything about me, nor do I want to, but when I have to, it’s very hard to keep a secret. Especially at Christmas or Birthdays. Then I feel like I need to explode.

In today’s prompt about a one word inspiration, there was a list of words to choose from, ‘Secret’ being the one I picked.   Then there was the suggestion :

If you like these one-word prompts, consider a Prompt Box: an offline well of inspiration that you can draw from on a rainy day. Andrea Badgley keeps prompts on slips of paper in a Chinese tea tin; I use an old jewelry box I bought from a market in Italy. In whatever vessel you choose, add slips of paper with single words, as we’ve practiced here. Short phrases work well, too.

I want to have jars of prompts. And jars of secrets. Jars of places I want to go. Jars of quotes  important to me. Jars of things I want to do with a man…. That’s where the secrets come in. A wish jar. Jars of wishes, hopes and dreams. Jars of secrets.

ce0623ea7abe8a8aebe6a5ba4384d8a0_2_largeIt sounds exotic and wonderful. A little bit sexy, a little bit naughty, and a whole lot of magical. Can you imagine if you, my reader could reach your hand into any one of these jars and pull out a slip and read what I had written? There would be all kinds of things you could find out. Thank goodness for my secrets.

My journal is filled with secrets. Things I would never tell anyone. My journal is dangerous and I would hate for it to get out. But at the same time, sometimes I wish I could share my secrets with someone. Ah, someday.

Secrets are a thing I like so much that I have several songs with the word in the title.  My favorite would be One Republic’s ‘Secrets’, and The Piano Guys cover of the same song.  Second favorite is Maroon 5’s ‘Secret.  That one. Whew… steamy.  But there are several others that have just hit me over the years.

One day I think I’ll have a row of apothecary jars filled with all my secrets. They will be lined up on a mirrored shelf, behind locked glass doors.  One can look and get a glimpse of the secret, but not the whole thing…..

Word of the Day – Arch

Seven_of_nineShe arched a brow. His brow arched in question.  Arched, as in, brow raise in question, disbelief, sarcasm… or whatever other reason you would arch a brow. I don’t know, just ask Seven of Nine. She did it all the time!  I use arched now instead of cocked because my dictionary doesn’t recognize ‘cocked’ as being a word. Go figure, because something can be cock-eyed, but not a brow. So now I use arched. And when I say I use it…. I mean ALL. THE. TIME.  I probably go overboard, but since I can do it so well with my left brow, I figure every one of my characters should.

 

1arch

noun \ˈärch\

: a usually curved part of a structure that is over an opening and that supports a wall or other weight above the opening

: the raised area on the bottom of the foot that is formed by a curved section of bones

: something that has a curved shape

Full Definition of ARCH

1
:  a typically curved structural member spanning an opening and serving as a support (as for the wall or other weight above the opening)
2

a :  something resembling an arch in form or function; especially :  either of two vaulted portions of the bony structure of the foot that impart elasticity to it

 b :  a curvature having the form of an arch
3:  archway
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Word of the Day – Murmur

Murmur; murmured.  There are only so many words to use for someone talking softly.  And in an intimate situation, murmur is the perfect word. All my characters murmur at some point. I probably over use the word.

1mur·mur

noun \ˈmər-mər\

: a low sound made when many people are speaking

: a quiet expression of an opinion or feeling

: speech or a way of speaking that is quiet and soft

1:  a half-suppressed or muttered complaint :  grumbling
2a :  a low indistinct but often continuous sound

 b :  a soft or gentle utterance
3:  an atypical sound of the heart typically indicating a functional or structural abnormality
I use definition 2b as my meaning of the word, though as I happen to have a minor heart murmur, I suppose when I talk with my doctor, I do use that…..  Moving on.
My hero murmurs into the heroine’s ear.  My heroine murmurs her agreement. I literally use murmur all the time instead of just ‘said’ or ‘said with some adverb’  (Damn you Stephen King for making me restrain myself with adverbs!)
If anyone has another good synonym for ‘murmur’ I’d love to know!
Writing on
~Kate

Word of the Day — Desultory

James Jones (From Here To Eternity)

James Jones (From Here To Eternity)

I found this word while reading Who the Hell is Pansy O’Hara? by Jenny Bond and Chris Sheedy.  It was in the chapter about James Jones and thank goodness I had my dictionary handy.

des·ul·to·ry

adjective \ˈde-səl-ˌtr-ē also -zəl-\

: not having a plan or purpose

: done without serious effort

1:  marked by lack of definite plan, regularity, or purpose <a dragged-out ordeal of…desultory shopping — Herman Wouk>
2:  not connected with the main subject
3:  disappointing in progress, performance, or quality <a desultory fifth place finish> <a desultory wine>
A quick look in my Websters said a synonym was ‘random’, which is what I filled in the sentence with instead of desultory.  It had to do with college classes on writing.  Honestly, I doubt I will remember what this word actually means.  It is probably one that I need to write a small definition in the margins.  I do that occasionally.  With a pencil, mark what a word means. Especially if I plan to come back and read the book later.
Have you run into any fun or forgettable words this week?  If so, post them in the comments. I’m always on a lookout for odd words.
Signing off
~Kate

 

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Word of the Day — Ill

i-hate-to-waste-sick-days-being-sick-funny-posterIll. Sick, unwell, evil, suffering, distress.  One three letter word that has nothing going for it other than we all pretty much know what it means.  Now that I’m interested, ill always makes me thing of Virginia Woolf‘s essay  ‘On Being Ill‘, though I have yet to read it. I want to, but haven’t found a copy yet.

 

1ill

adjective \ˈil\

: not well or healthy : sick or unhealthy

of health : not normal or good

: harmful or damaging

worse worst

Full Definition of ILL

1a chiefly Scottish :  immoral, vicious

b :  resulting from, accompanied by, or indicative of an evil or malevolent intention <ill deeds>

 c :  attributing evil or an objectionable quality <held an ill opinion of his neighbors>
2 a :  causing suffering or distress <ill weather>

  b comparative also ill·er superlative also illest (1) :  not normal or sound <ill health> (2) :  not in good health; also :  nauseated
3a :  not suited to circumstances or not to one’s advantage :  unlucky <an ill omen>

 b :  involving difficulty :  hard
4a :  not meeting an accepted standard <ill manners>

 b archaic :  notably unskillful or inefficient
5:  unfriendly, hostile <ill feeling>
Why a sick word today?  Good question. Probably because I am ill myself. Ill with a cold.  At least I’m not the ill of my mother…. pneumonia.
Signing off
~Kate
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Word of the Day — Livid

When I think livid, I think angry, but it can mean a color as well.  Who would have thought of using it to describe gladiolas… see below in the definition?  I wouldn’t have. I always think livid and someone is ready to scream, blow up, or storm out of the house.  He was livid, and she knew that if she didn’t shut up, the house was going to come crashing down.

liv·id

adjective \ˈli-vəd\

: very angry

: having a dark purplish color

1:  discolored by bruising :  black-and-blue <the livid traces of the sharp scourges — Abraham Cowley>

2:  ashen, pallid <this cross, thy livid face, thy pierced hands and feet — Walt Whitman>
3:  reddish <a fan of gladiolas blushed livid under the electric letters — Truman Capote>
4:  very angry :  enraged <was livid at his son’s disobedience
I don’t often write about someone that was so angry they could be described as livid, but I love thinking in terms of that. Go figure.
Signing off
~Kate
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Word of the Day — Bevy

I need a bevy of Owl Posts

I need a bevy of Owl Posts

I could have sworn there was a chapter in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone titled ‘A Bevy of Owls’.  Apparently not.  Bevy. It’s one of those words that means a large group… So for me, a lot of owls, with letters included, means a bevy.  A bevy of deer.  Though apparently it’s more birds that is bevy than large mammals.  Either way, bevy always brings to mind the mass of letters Harry receives from Hogwarts. Wonderful wax sealed letters.

bevy

noun \ˈbe-vē\

: a large group of people or things

plural bev·ies
1
:  a large group or collection <a bevy of girls>
2
:  a group of animals and especially quail 
You know? I’d like someone to send me a bevy of owls bearing letters from people, friends, acquaintances, people who I know nothing about. Did I ever mention I love getting letters in the mail?  On a side note, I’m not as good at replying to said letters…
Signing off
~Kate
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Word of the Day — Ism

Ism.  A small word that’s more of an ending in some instances than an actual word. However, a word it is.

Ism. Running through the dictionary tonight after thinking about every word that ends in those three letters, I’ve yet to find a word that has a good meaning with -ism attached to it. Racism, antagonism, egotism, extremism, fanaticism, totalitarianism, alcoholism, nationalism, communism, fascism, absolutism,  sexism,socialism, Darwinism….. and some would add in Impressionism and Cubism. I would definitely agree with Cubism, I just looked it up.  Whoo, that is a bit scary.

ism

noun \ˈi-zəm\

: a belief, attitude, style, etc., that is referred to by a word that ends in the suffix -ism

1
:  a distinctive doctrine, cause, or theory
2
:  an oppressive and especially discriminatory attitude or belief <we all have got to come to grips with our isms — Joycelyn Elders>
It’s funny how isms usually do not mean something good.  Speaking of good, if you add -ism to the end of good, does the word cancel itself out?  There are a few -ism words out there that do not mean something that is negative, but very few.  It’s amazing how such a small word can make such a big difference.
It’s like that Delta Air Lines commercial ‘Up’. As the first lines say, “Up, a short word that’s a tall order,”. Think about that. Oh, and because I love the commercial, even though it doesn’t relate to -ism, I wanted to include it.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lm6iyOq0v-Y

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