Let’s get personal about me. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to talk about this, but maybe it will apply to other ladies out there.
First off, let me start with this by saying I have had two boyfriends and I have kissed three guys. One of those guys being a lovely man I met and within an hour of meeting him, I had the best kiss of my life. I still get flushed thinking about it…….. now, speaking of flushing….
Drum roll please. I am 33 and I am going through menopause. I’m 33 and I’ve had two boyfriends, and I’m going through menopause. How is this possible? How could I not even be partway through my early life and my body is saying, “No, I quit!”? How is it that I still feel like I’m in my twenties, but my body says, no, you are in your 50s? How is it that all of this is happening?
Well, genetics has a lot to play with it. My sister, DB, who has Downs Syndrome, went through it when she was 30. Mrs. B went through it in her thirties. SO clearly genetics has a lot to play with this. But it’s also because I carry some genetic mutations I received from both of my parents, specifically, my father. I have one of the genes that makes up hemochromatosis, which I inherited from Mr. B who has the disorder. I carry a lot of the problems, and with new research, I might even actually have the disorder. I’ll let the doctors sort that out.
All of this is a factor in why my body is saying, that’s it.
But it’s a strange feeling to know that technically, your childbearing years are over, and you’re not even out of your childbearing years. That being said, I have struggled for years with not really wanting children, but feeling somewhat obligated that I should have children because that’s what Christian women do…. Not really a good reason. Honestly, children scare the crap out of me. I’ve yet to meet a lot of kids that I actually like, though there are a couple. I just never know what to do with them. And the thought of homeschooling them, which would have been a preference because that’s what worked for me… and raising kids for 18+ years….. Yep, that always scared me so much. And even the thought of marrying a man who has children already, scares me.
I like to think I would be a great aunt that could hand the kids back after an afternoon. Or if I married an older man who had grown kids…. the really cool, hip grandma. It’s possible. But honestly, that’s the only way I can see myself with kids.
But back to my body. I’m finding that now that the hot flashes have abated, God, thank you for HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy) and I’m sleeping at night, now I’m more affected by my emotions. My emotions are through the roof. I’m irritated by everything. People are driving me nuts. I’m about ready to knock off my entire family. (Not really, but they are grouchy enough as it is, but my temper is not handling their moods along with my own.) Part of this is my issue with the fact that I’m sitting here repeating over and over in my head…. I am not married, I’ve never ‘been’ with a guy….. I know, TMI, ……but my body’s physical aspects are changing and well, is a guy going to want a young woman who’s hormonal imbalance has changed?
Maybe that’s just a little too much to worry about, but these are the changes a woman goes through when she’s been married for years, the kids are gone… and heck, even the sex may have changed. It isn’t supposed to happen when a woman is still young. When a woman is still thinking about all of that. Not that older women don’t think about it, but from what I’ve heard, the desire tamps down a bit.
I kind of want to rail and cry and vent over it. It didn’t bother me much when I got the tests back a couple months ago. Mrs. B asked me if it did bother me, and I really took it in stride because it explained the hot flashes I had been having for several years. Because honestly, I have been going through this for at least 3+ years, but it wasn’t figured out until the numbers really went off and out of whack. But after thinking about whether or not it bothered me, I found that it did. I do blame Mrs. B to some degree because she put the bug of being bothered in my head. I’m not mad at her, but maybe it just got me to admit that yeah, I am bothered. I’m not even really sure how to deal with it.
Surprisingly, I think finally making it to the Writing Circle of local writers in this area and reading one of the writer’s books, I’m dealing in some ways. The author, Melinda Field wrote the book True, which she gave me a signed copy almost a year ago. It’s been in my ‘To Read’ pile and I finally pulled it out about three weeks ago. While I’ve yet to finish it, one character within the story has hit me. Briar is a 35 year old woman who is diagnosed with breast cancer and well, I don’t think I’m giving that much away by saying it’s really serious. Now, I’m fortunate, I don’t have that problem, but Briar hit me because here is a young woman that has her world turned upside down at a young age. These things aren’t supposed to happen to us. Is it? And yet, the world says differently.
Life rarely turns out how you have planned. Okay, fine, it never turns out how you plan. But shouldn’t some things turn out status quo? Or like how everyone else lives? Right? Apparently not.
So here I am, a couple months from my 34th birthday with my body saying, “Honey, I’m going to be older than you think.”
I can honestly say that I haven’t totally dealt, and it’s probably going to take a while, but I wanted to share. Does this need to be said? No. Do I need to share my woes with all of you? Definitely not. Is this a too much of a selfie world? Most definitely, but I felt inspired to share in the hopes that others won’t feel alone if their life has changed in ways they weren’t expecting.