I was sitting reading my journal from earlier in the year… it’s something I do to reflect…… and I came across an entry from near my birthday. I was describing being called beautiful. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but I have found that it is one word that while wonderful to be called, can hold a whole lot of meanings or feeling behind it.
I have been called beautiful by plenty of men…. despite which I still wonder if I really am beautiful because what I see in the mirror sometimes is meh. How I look isn’t what makes me feel beautiful. Sometimes for me, wearing Stetson for men, a string of pearls and having my hair in a simple updo makes me feel so incredibly beautiful in my own mind, that’s all that matters. But having a man call me beautiful is a rather interesting thing.
First there is Boris. Boris is fire and ice and extremes. He calls me beautiful, gorgeous and such regularly. It’s his greeting. It’s his way. His way makes me feel like I am the sexiest young woman ever. Okay, I’m not young anymore, but well, I still don’t feel like a woman. I am one….okay, I can go with lady better. Considering he calls me young lady all the time too. His beautiful is like stepping into pure heat and desire. I can’t explain it.
Then there was Neeko. Darling boy. I mentioned him earlier in the year. What I wrote in my journal was, ” He calls me beautiful and it feels like pure sunshine happiness. Not sexy, but like I’ve stepped into a rainbow. Gooey inside. Unexpected. Undemanding. Nick is daisies and buttercups and sugar sweet.” Maybe it was safety, but I felt like me with Neeko. I didn’t have to impress or be any more than me. Something I struggle with. I’m always worried about someone’s opinion, but with Neeko I could just be, like I had stepped into a meadow….. Bella’s meadow.
More recently there is someone that calls me various forms of beautiful, but it’s weird. I can’t put my finger on it….okay, maybe I can. I am not interested in this guy, and he says he’s not in me, because he’s in his mid fifties, but sometimes I get this weird vibe that makes me kind of shudder. I sit there and think to myself…’no, please don’t call me anything endearing.’ It’s one of those disturbing moments in life where what someone says to you makes you feel so uncomfortable.
I think who we know that calls us beautiful means something different from each person. Sweet, sexy, disturbing…… And various other feelings. Sometimes I smile and giggle insanely when I’m called beautiful. Other times I take it in stride. I have to say that a sunshine and daisies beautiful is like eating the best brownie, and the fire and ice extremes beautiful is like that first sip of whiskey. It’s sexy in it’s own way. Sunshine and daisies, which I am not a person who would ever really go for that vibe, is really, really nice. And it’s so hard to explain….. Okay, wait, I just read what I wrote. One is safe while the other has me in a constant state of alert.
Hmmm. Rather interesting, isn’t it? Do I know which one I want? I tend to go for sweet because at the end of the day, the safe is nice, steady. Comfortable. But that being said, the extreme and sexy is well, adventurous and exciting. I think a bit of sweet with sexy is really nice.
So what about you, ladies. Do you have different vibes of beautiful? What makes you feel beautiful? Words or your own inner self? Does something you do make you feel like the goddess you are?
I’d love to know so share with me. I feel I should add in a One Direction line… but I’ll leave that up to you.